by Jenn Kaye

 

I remember the first time our very own Dena Patton told me that Alli had indeed turned two and started acting her age. It wasn't pretty.

While it's one thing to communicate to other adults who have life experiences and exposure to various contexts about what having boundaries means, it's a whole different story communicating with not only someone you love and adore, but who only knows limited words, limited concepts and doesn't know any differently.

At two, however, we all know the difference between pretty and ugly. We have now established a context that our audience can relate to.

Dena explained not only that her behavior was not pretty, but why, and what the consequences were. We went out recently for yogurt and I had the opportunity to spend some time with Alli (who is ridiculously adorable and authentically herself without apology - I mean, look at these sunglasses!) She was stretching the boundary a little and at one point turned to her mom and said, "I'm sorry mommy. I'll be pretty now."

Here's what's extraordinary about that statement. Aside from its sheer simplicity, she didn't mean how she looked physically. She meant her behavior. We've all had times when we have had some seriously ugly thoughts - about ourselves, about other people. We've gossiped or made derogatory comments on what other women are wearing, who they're with or how they carry themselves.

NOT pretty behavior.

Of course we've all heard the following, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I can't tell you I subscribe wholly to that statement, because there are times when the need to be honest precludes the concept of being 'nice.' (But that is another article). However, even in times of high conflict, there ARE ways to communicate powerfully and assertively, without having to be a be-atch and in ways that still allow us to have pretty behavior.

Here's the real power of communication in this story:

1. Dena knew her context. (Mother trying to teach important life skill to her daughter who has limited knowledge and words to understand her communication.)

2. She was clear in her role. (Mother/Daughter. Not mom-trying-to-be-her-daughter's-friend.)

3. She knew what she wanted the outcome of the communication to be. (For Alli to understand what behavior was acceptable, or not and why.)

4. Dena took the risk to communicate authentically, knowing that her daughter might get upset with what she had to say. And she took the risk to act authentically, again, knowing that it may not be received with lavish accolades.

5. Alli gained a new understanding and frame of reference that made sense to her, so that now her actions and communication can be more in alignment with building a happy relationship with mom.

Beauty at every age isn't just about the visual now is it?

Jenn Kaye is an author, speaker and mentor who empowers businesses, brands and lifestyles to communicate authentically and build better relationships. Connect with Jenn at www.Facebook.com/JennKaye and follow her on twitter @JennKaye