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11/30/2011 10:23 am

Beverly Tobocman is a rare combination of financial wizard and caring woman who blends her talents to become a "financial therapist" to her clients. Through her book, Now That He's Gone: A Financial Therapist's Guide to Life After Loss, she takes a unique look at the financial picture a woman may face after the loss of a partner through death or divorce. Speaking from both her personal experience and her professional expertise, Beverly is able to give advice on how to handle both the emotional devastation and the practical aspects of loss. And both ring true!

Gleaned from a 20+ career and hundreds of clients, Beverly found that no matter how intelligent or competent a woman is, the sudden loss of a partner can leave her feeling lost, alone and just plain scared. Women come to Beverly wanting financial advice, but so often they also need help in other areas of their lives as well. She sits with them and lets them talk, pour out their fears, voice their worries and use up boxes of tissues. While she doesn't offer therapy in the psychological sense of the word, what she does is listen and then she offers to help.

Through two divorces and finding herself on her own again at the age of 50, Beverly experienced all the issues of which she speaks in her book: the loss of companionship, the loss of community, and the emotion of having given up more than she could recover. She thought the easiest thing to do was to lose herself in her work, concentrate on her family and forget everything else. Except this didn't make her feel better. In fact, it made her feel worse!

Through a workshop given for people in a similar circumstance, she learned to evaluate her life and came to the realization that it was totally out of balance. She was finding success at work and enjoying her family, but there were other important ingredients that were missing; to name two, she was spiritually bereft and her network of friends was almost non-existent. She realized that what she needed most was girlfriends!

Always proactive, she began focusing on building a community of women who were also interested in making new friends, learning new skills and building a new life. J.U.G.S. (Just Us Girls) was born and, for many, this group provided a valuable pathway up and out of grief and isolation to a life of connection, renewed hope and positive action. She urges women to found their own J.U.G.S. group for support and friendship.

Beverly also provides sound practical advice on how to choose a financial adviser.

1. You must take responsibility for your financial numbers. A lot of women view financial figures as some big mystery. They're not! Or at least they shouldn't be. Keep asking questions until you understand everything about your financial picture. If you never get to the point of speaking the same language as the adviser, find someone else who will take the time to explain things in a way that you do understand.

2. The adviser must be willing to tell you how and how much they get paid. The adviser should tell you exactly which method is being used to pay him/her and how much that payment is. If you ask these questions and get anything less than a straight, understandable answer, pick up your money and run the other way.

3. The adviser should explain the real effect of risk. Women in general are much more averse to investment risk than men. To make yourself comfortable with the suggested investments, your adviser should tell you exactly how much risk you're taking and what can happen. If your adviser doesn't explain the real effect of risk, pick up your money and run the other way.

4. The adviser should listen. You are the client and what you have to say is most important. If your adviser doesn't understand this, is condescending and is a poor listener, pick up your money and run the other way.

5. The adviser must help you quantify your dreams. The adviser should exhibit patience and be willing to work with your time horizon and not his/hers. Don't let the adviser suggest a higher risk than one for which you are ready to handle.

6. The adviser must be willing to spend time with you. Financial advisers don't get paid by the hour; they get paid for doing transactions or for managing money. No matter how little or how much time is spent, they get paid the same. However, they owe you as much time as is needed for you to fully understand what you're investing in, how much it costs, how much risk you're taking and anything else you want to know.

7. The adviser must be someone you trust. An adviser might have a great reputation and have a great performance record of gains, but if you are uncomfortable with him/her as a person or don't feel any chemistry, look for someone else. You are going to depend on this person, so you must be comfortable with him/her.

Throughout her book, Beverly makes dozens of suggestions such as the ones above to help women build a new life after loss.

Sometimes it is confusing to determine the voice to which one listens. Remember, your inner voice - or your gut - is the most important one. While support from friends is imperative, in the end, you must walk to your own drumbeat and feel comfortable with your decisions. Consequently, investigate, ask for help, and research all your available options. It's almost like a smorgasbord and not everything you hear will be to your liking! It's your job to filter the information and pick and choose which ones work for you and your new lifestyle.

I recommend a full reading of Beverly Tobocman's book, Now That He's Gone, A Financial Therapist's Guide to Life After Loss, available at http://www.amazon.com/That-Financial-Therapists-Guide-After/dp/0615199534.

Ellen Gerst is a Grief and Relationship Coach and the author of "Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story" and "Suddenly Single." Connect with Ellen on Facebook on Finding Love After Loss for relationship tips; on Thin Threads of Grief and Renewal for coping with grief tips; and on Lighten Up and Smile for a daily dose of positivity and a smile! Visit Ellen's website and order your free e-books on relationships and coping with grief and Lighten Up And Smile to learn about a tool that can help you increase your social connectivity and overcome sad feelings.


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