"Why is it that women take these romantic holidays so much more seriously than men and they just seem to think of it as just another day? We expect the flowers, the candy, all of that. And to them, it's just another day."
The good news is that some men are romantic and celebrate holidays. Some even remember birthdays and anniversaries. My partner gave me pretty earrings and cooked me a four-course dinner with French wine for Christmas. Romantic men do exist.
The Rule is that if a man does not give you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day, stop dating him. Now, if you are married, the lack of romance is not grounds for divorce. There is another solution.
She said an important word in her question: expect. "We expect the flowers, the candy, all of that." Here is The Rule of Expectations:
You are not allowed to have an expectation unless you communicate it and the other party agrees.
So, if you want the romance, the candy, the flowers for Valentine's Day (or any time), you have to ask for what you want. I gave that advice to my client and she did not like my answer; she said, "He should just know to buy me chocolate." She took my advice anyway. She asked for chocolate and ended up on vacation in Mexico with her boyfriend! What do you really want this Valentine's Day?
To get what you want, follow the four steps to a Specific Request:
1. Genuinely acknowledge the other person
2. State the issue
3. Specifically ask for what you want
4. Ask: Do you understand? And, do you agree?
The following are details on each step. Genuinely acknowledge the other person: Let him know what you do appreciate about him. Focus on what is right in the relationship.
State the issue: Do your best to use the word "I" instead of "you." I get upset when I don't receive a romantic gift for Valentine's Day; it makes me feel unappreciated and unloved. (Instead of saying, you never buy me anything; you don't have a romantic bone in your body. That will only put him on the defensive).
Specifically ask for what you want: For example, will you please give me long-stem, red roses and Godiva chocolates for Valentine's Day?
Make sure you ask: Do you understand? And, do you agree? Oftentimes, we say could you please take out the trash and we just assume he's going to do it. If he didn't answer, "Yes," don't expect the trash to be gone. Some of my clients think these two questions are a bit awkward. Here are more colloquial versions: Do you get it? And, does that work for you?
The Rule of Expectations has saved relationships. And the Specific Request may be used for anything from receiving chocolate to sex! Enjoy getting what you really want this Valentine's Day! As a bonus, give him a little candy too!
Happy Valentine's Day! Go to www.TashaTheLoveCoach.com and click on the pretty pink box to receive your gift!