What does "back door" mean to you? To me, a back door is an excuse (versus a legitimate reason) to get out of a relationship, instead of working through something. Is your back door cracked open or completely shut in your relationship?
We enter into relationships, wanting the person to be "the one," (that is, if you want to be married or have a life partner). The initial part of the relationship is a courtship to find out about each other and decide if you are compatible. If you discover a legitimate reason you are incompatible during the courting process, be honest about why, and go out the front door. You are not meant to commit to spending the rest of your life with him.
One of my clients had a conversation with her boyfriend about "commitment" and what it meant to each of them. He believed in a back door in a marriage. His example of a back door was if two people were "miserable." In her opinion, if you're married and become miserable, you find a way back to the love. She did not believe in a back door in a marriage, unless someone broke a vow. Because of the disparity in their back door opinions, she did not feel safe committing to him forever.
Do your due diligence before you get engaged or completely commit to your partner. Some topics to begin with are finances, sex, and commitment. Some things to watch out for are tendencies toward addictions and abuse. Do your best to discover these things during courtship; it's your responsibility to not sign up for anything that is against your values.
Just as if you left the back door to your house open, you would not feel safe if the back door was open in your relationship. When you know in your mind, body, and heart he is "the one," close the back door, lock it, and throw away the key. This provides safety, security, and strength for you and your partner to flourish. You have an agreed upon foundation of commitment and trust to build upon. One couple I know made a promise to never threaten to leave the relationship. Their back door is closed.
There is a difference between back doors and deal breakers. A back door is an excuse, such as two people being miserable. My clients had the following deal breakers: infidelity, abuse, no sexual intercourse, etc. What are your deal breakers? Talk to your fianc, or future life partner, and work through them before you walk down the aisle.
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LOVE TIP: Close the Back Door ... on your relationship.
1. If you haven't gotten engaged or completely committed to your life partner yet, do your due diligence. Are you meant to go out the front door or is he "the one?"
2. What are your deal breakers? What are your significant other's deal breakers? Compassionately communicate with your partner about each of your deal breakers and work through them before marriage.
3. What if you are already married? Ask yourself: is this a back door (excuse) or a deal breaker (breaking a vow, etc.)? If it is a back door, work through it together. If a vow has been broken, honor yourself, your partner, (and your children), and do the right thing.
